In my quest to find the right agent to represent me, I’ve run into many others who are searching also. As a service to those seekers, here is today’s “Top 10” list:
“Top 10 Signs You May Have Hired a Bad Agent“
#10: They think that Kinkos is a major Publishing house.
# 9: They’re in the Witness Protection Program
# 8: Their office is in the back of a van, parked down by the river.
# 7: You can only talk to them every other weekend, and then it’s through plexiglass at the State prison.
# 6: Your agent only works at night, because he really believes he’s Batman.
# 5: Everytime you visit them, they invite you to sit on their lap and tell them all about “your wittle bitty book.”
# 4: Their entire wardrobe is made of Spandex.
# 3: Instead of using their real name, the insist you call them “Mighty Caesar.”
# 2: They call you, all excited, because they’ve made a deal for your novel to be the first chocolate-dipped book in the country.
# 1: Their Business Card says, “Guido’s Sewer Cleaning and Literary Service” and their motto is: “All day long, we’re dealing with other people’s you-know-what.”
ohhhhhh boy. Do you have any other suggestions?
“Am I a writer?” Many people wonder about it, so how can you really tell? [Cue drum roll, please]…from the bottom of my heart, I offer these “tips” as a way to answer the “Am I? Am I not? dilemma:
Top 10 ways to tell if you’re a writer:
#10: Your spouse tells you that you mumble “What if? What if?” in your sleep each night.
#9: You’re trying to invent a laptop that dispenses coffee from one of its USB ports.
#8: Your best conversations are with people who don’t really exist.
#7: You put more time into naming your characters than you do your children.
#6: When you holler at your children it sounds like: “Barnes! Tell Noble to share his drink with Starbucks while I go change Amazon’s diaper. And would someone go tell Scrivener to turn down his stereo or I’m going to track change his epilogue! And, Macintosh, clean up your dangling participles or I’m going to google your father! And don’t query me like that!”
#5: When someone cuts you off in traffic, you roll down your window and yell, “That’s it! You have no idea what I’m going to do to you in my next book!”
#4: You’ve seriously considered using a Porta-Potty as a desk chair.
#3: You have a wristband with the letters WWJSBD on it, which stands for “What Would James Scott Bell Do?”
#2: You’re constantly tempted to stop and line-edit your King James Bible during morning devotions.
#1: You know entirely too many ways to kill someone with exotic poisons, before disposing of their body using a Swiss Army knife and Ziplock freezer bags.