“Top 10 Worst ways to start an Elevator Pitch.”

The moment has finally arrived. You and the agent or editor of your dreams are alone in an elevator. Here are the top 10 worst ways to start the dreaded elevator pitch:

10:  By blinking uncontrollably and proclaiming, “I’ve only got a few seconds before my medication wears off. Listen carefully!”

9:  By snickering and saying, “Bad hair day, huh?”

8:  By yawning, then saying, “Eight hours…that’s how long I’ve waited on this elevator just to get the privilege of talking to yoooou.”

7:  By running up the elevator as the door is closing, sticking your face in and with wild-eyed enthusiasm yelling, “heeeeeer’s Johnny!”

6:  By foaming at the mouth.

5:  By removing your shirt and saying, “I’ll prove I was born to be a writer…look at my birthmark. Doesn’t it look like Edgar Allan Poe?”

4:  After throwing up on their shoes, you say, “I feel like we’re bonding. Let’s talk about my story.”

3:  After failing miserably at your first attempt, and just as they are preparing to step out of the elevator, you jump in front of them, punch the button that closes the doors and tearfully wail, “Do over!”

2:  By grabbing their hand and praying, “Dear God–Who called me to be a writer and has promised to pour out scorching wrath upon any person who stands in my way of publication–please help this person to be open to Your gracious will.”

1:  By staring at them and mentioning that an agent tried to test you once, and then adding, “I ate their liver…with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Happy pitching!